Can Some One Find Me The Fates so I Can Kick Their Asses...

http://www.jsonline.com/news/obituaries/40401132.html

[copy+pasted from Sheezyart]

Words can't even begin to describe the last few days, but I feel the need to try my best.

I attended Laura's funeral last Saturday. I didn't even plan on making through the school day, so my mom gave me permission to stay home until the service. Greg's dad gave us a ride to the synagogue, where everyone of the parking places was filled, spilling out onto the roadsides and nearby chapel's parking lot; every street corner clustered with people. We both entered the sanctuary and found 2 other friends to sit with.

As people continued to pour in, we stood, giving up our seats to those looking for seats. Even then, people were standing on every side of the synagogue, literally hundreds of people there to bid Laura farewell.

I hate to say it, but I kept telling myself it wasn't Laura in the casket, that it couldn't be sweet, innocent, smart, kind Laura lying there. I only thank the family for deciding on a closed casket ceremony.

The ceremony was a moving experience, though very heart wrenching. I don't believe there was a dry eye in the house, from those who knew her well. I know Laurel and I began to cry. Greg caught sight of the family from where he was standing when they left, and when I went to give him a hug, he completely broke down in my arms. Seth came over and helped comfort the both of us.

That for me was probably the hardest part of all this...seeing my best friend, someone who is always upbeat and cracking jokes, so upset.

God, just thinking about it now makes me teary eyed...

The day after though... god, it was terrible. The fake smiles at school, the laughing when I felt like crying, and trying to restrain myself from screaming "Don't you fucking realize she's gone!!"

I find myself randomly crying throughout the day, and really empty and tired... I'm either starving or not hungry at all, I'm not sleeping... I just want this roller coaster to be over. No 15 year old should ever have to face the world's unfairness and cruelty like this...

[/copy+paste]

It's been about a week since, and I'm recovering... I guess this is what people describe as "coming to terms" with it. School still seems like a joke, but I can at least focus on my homework and finish it.

I haven't been drawing much- my creativity has been almost completely shot since. *sighs* I don't know. I have to thank Chris though, he's managed to help me keep my head above water, and drag my ass out of the house when all I really felt like doing was crawling into bed and not coming out for while.

He really has helped me get my life back in order

We're all Here 'cos We've Lost Control

Current Music: Die Tonight, Live Forever- Innerpartysystem

You can feel the pounding
Wrapped around your chest
Nothing's too excessive
When you've got nothing left

We're all here 'cos we've lost control
We're all here 'cos we've lost control
We're all here 'cos we've lost control
We're all here 'cos we've lost control

If we all should die tonight
We will have no regrets
If we all should die tonight
We will have no regrets

If this night should take my life
(We cant go back we cant go)
If we all should die tonight
(we cant go back we cant go)

You can see the plastic
Dripping off your face
We may not all be pretty
But we feel pretty fake

We're all here 'cos we've lost control
We're all here 'cos we've lost control
We're all here 'cos we've lost control
We're all here 'cos we've lost control

If we all should die tonight
We will have no regrets
If we all should die tonight
We will have no regrets

If this night should take my life
(We cant go back we cant go)
If we all should die tonight
(we cant go back we cant go)

If this night should take my life
(We cant go back we cant go)
If we all should die tonight
(we've got nothing left)

We're all here 'cos we've lost control
We're all here 'cos we've lost control
We're all here 'cos we've lost control
We're all here 'cos we've lost control

If this night should take my life
(We cant go back we cant go)
If we all should die tonight
(we cant go back we cant go)

If this night should take my life
We got nothing left
If we all should die tonight
We got nothing left

-Innerpartysystem

It's amazing the inspiration a single song and video can give a person. The artist have made it so that the video can't be embedded, so here's a link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1GIT44jjkE

This post would be a little more appropriate with the piece included in it, but my Drawing & Design teacher has it at the moment; I'll make sure to update this post with the finished piece the minute I get it scanned.

Basicly for the last month or so I've been kinda of reserved, focusing more on my school work, my art, and the people around me. I've fallen out of a lot of internet groups and find myself lurking most of the time rather than posting and chatting with some of my online friends.

I want to say I feel really guilty about that.

In getting my school act together I feel like I'm loosing pieces of myself- I was always the anime geek/nerd who had their face crammed in a manga or spent their days after school watching the latest show from Japan- not so much anymore. I'll talk about anime with friends, but I don't find myself defining me as a little weeaboo anymore.

I guess this is what they call "growing up" and frankly I don't like it. I've noticed that a lot of my art now is very morbid or dark. The only reasoning I can think of is my inane fear of death. I've been raised in a Christian house my entire life and now after years and years of shit and pure unadulterated hypocrisy from "people of faith" I can't tell left from right.

Don't get me wrong- I know "right" from "wrong", but certain actions deemed "sinful" by the church just leave my head spinning. Being homosexual is a "life long sin/struggle"? What the hell? If this was true wouldn't God have made everyone gay? Why decide to select a decent size of the population to endure a "life long struggle"?

Not to mention the simple fear of the "perfection" of heaven. Granted there are some horrible atrocities of man that the world would be better without, but pure and utter perfection is a scary thought in my mind. If I were to die and go to heaven tonight, I most likely loose the friends I hold dear, or in an attempt to have a "perfect" heaven God would either remove memories of my "Un-Christian" friends on earth or create likenesses of them- only untainted- and completely unlike themselves.

Worst of all, I fear I'd loose everything that makes me, me. I don't want to be "reborn" in a new spiritual body. I like me just the way I am. I know it sounds really selfish, but I don't want to loose my imperfections, my likeness, and become "one of a thousand in white."

I love this world and all it's imperfections and I wouldn't trade it, or my friends, for some set of pearly white gates and white garb.